Wednesday, 04 May 2011

• I am

    I am a disgruntled employee of life.  The world can be a beautiful place.  The experiences in it can be marvelous.  But, I feel so disenfranchised.  People in better situations want to compete with how bad something is for them.  People in worse situations want me to help in someway, but I can not help without losing whatever it is I have.  My girlfriend says we are still a couple, but she hasn't spoken to me in weeks and she lives within walking distance.  I have a coworker who is constantly threatening to end her life in one way or another, and she tells me that I have a reason to live but she does not.  The reason she gives never seems like a valid reason.  My mind can spin it to where it doesn't hold water.  But, I do not believe in suicide or just lying down and letting death take me without a fight.  I sacrificed a lot for my 'occasional' girlfriend, and before her I sacrificed a lot for my ex-wife.  But, the problem is people really aren't honest about what they want.  If you are constantly sacrificing to keep someone else happy, then there is no room to keep yourself happy.  No room to do things for yourself.  My life could have been comfortable and filled with loneliness.  As it is, my life has had moments of joy but has been filled with great disappointments and struggles.  I have very basic needs in the long run, but they do not get met.  So, I spend money on internet and phone to keep lines of communication open.  But to what end.  It solves nothing.  Someone who could walk over to see me needs no phone.  I could be spending that money on important things, like health insurance.  The internet is just a placebo where I can either pretend things are going well, or tell people they aren't and get long distance pity.  It still solves nothing.  Life is beautiful.  But I really need a level of comfort to appreciate that beauty.  Right now, I have no comfort.  No security.  I keep my friends at arms length because I can't do anything of substance for them and they can't do anything for me.  I mean they can listen, but they have problems all their own.  And as much as I tell them when they do listen, I still down play how bad things are.  I should do everyone a favor and disappear.   

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